'American Horror Story: Hotel' Recap: The Mt. Rushmore of Murder

Murderers are not great people and that goes double for serial killers, but do you know who the worst people are? Serial killer ghosts. For one thing, serial killer ghosts do not have a lot of respect for the sanctity of human life, and that’s the truth. But more importantly, as this week’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel pointed out, they make terrible dinner guests. “Devil’s Night” featured a who’s who of famous dead American serial killers who used their one night of freedom (from hell?) to attend an awkward dinner party in the Hotel Cortez. But when the cannibal wasn’t complaining about being served salad, the redneck was flipping her mullet around, and the masked madman wouldn’t stop pointing his gun at everybody. And to be quite honest, would it have killed these serial killer ghosts to have dressed up for the occasion? Poor John Lowe looked half traumatized from dining with undead psychopaths, and half embarrassed to be the only one in a tux.

The fourth (and often fifth) episodes of any season of AHS are usually special Halloween-themed episodes, a tradition sparked by the powerful, devastating two-parter of Season 1 during which we learned that ghosts can leave their spectral prisons for one night of guaranteed pathos. These episodes, while inventive and fun in their own right, have the downside of occurring too soon in the season and can often derail whatever narrative momentum the previous episodes had built up. While it was undeniably a thrill to see a gaggle of famous serial killers show up for a chill night in, not gonna lie, “Devil’s Night” was a slightly disappointing distraction from plotlines that were just starting to get interesting. Which is to say there was NO Angela Bassett this week. But there were definitely highlights and we should talk about them!

We began with a familiar-looking shady cooldude stalking into the lobby of the Hotel Cortez at night.

And even if we hadn’t been treated to a closeup of him signing “Richard Ramirez” into the guest ledger, I think we would’ve known this was the famous Night Stalker serial killer. The one who used to sneak into random families’ homes and murder in the name of astrology or Satan or whatever. So, of course Liz Taylor set him up with an already occupied hotel room.

And yes, he proceeded to beat a sleeping man’s face in with a lamp and then force his terrified wife to swear allegiance to Satan. Personally, and this is a tip to anybody who barges into my bedroom when I am trying to sleep, please do not make me swear allegiance to Satan while I’m trying to sleep. Sleeping is my No. 1 favorite thing, and Satan doesn’t even crack my Top 100. This lady definitely agreed with me, so she ran out of there…

…Only to get nabbed by the ghost of Mr. March in the hallway. Again, not to sound like a broken record, but this hotel is not safe!

So then Detective John Lowe woke up in his bed without very many clothes on and talked to his daughter on the phone while noticing tons of blood pouring down the wall.

In general, blood pouring down a wall is not a good sign. So he went upstairs to see what was up, and it turned out Miss Evers was dealing with tons of re-appearing bloodstains on the sheets she was trying to wash.

I guess on Halloween, not only do ghosts get to play, but blood stains reappear? That’s a new one. Anyway, we also learned a lil bit about Miss Evers’ backstory.

Specifically the time back in the 1920s when she dressed her child up as a ghost and he was kidnapped and murdered by a local serial killer who kidnapped and murdered boys. This made her sad. But now, in 2015, it made her feel closer to Detective John Lowe, on account of them both having had their young sons kidnapped and murdered. He felt kinda bad for Miss Evers and ended up looking up her child’s murderer on Bing and discovered that it had happened too long ago for her to still be alive. Dun dun dun!

Speaking of dead boys, Alex brought Holden home and he ate the dog!

Alex was real steamed about this, so she brought Holden back to the hotel and asked Lady Gaga what was up with her dead vampire son. Then Lady Gaga (who in my opinion should start calling herself ‘Mother Monster’) explained that Holden was now immortal, and you’re welcome. See, in her opinion she had saved Holden from a boring regular life where his parents take him to carnivals at the beach and love him a lot. Who would want THAT life? (Also, I loved the flashback to the day he disappeared and we learned that Lady Gaga had personally ‘napped him!)

And her beach look was very A+. It’s no wonder she was able to steal a child off a merry-go-round in twelve seconds: She was practically invisible!

Anyway, as you’d expect, Lady Gaga tried to assuage Alex’s stress by offering to turn HER into a vampire also. But Alex wasn’t super stoked about the idea and slapped a tiny glass out of Lady Gaga’s hand. But then Tristan walked in and punched Alex and then stepped on her head.

So not the most productive meeting ever, but at least Alex was getting answers.

Then Special Guest #2 arrived and she was, you guessed it, Aileen “Monster” Wuornos. (Lily Rabe you crazy for this one!!) She smoked, she swilled beer, she flipped her mullet to and fro. But mostly she flirted with a newly off-the-wagon John Lowe until he took her upstairs for a quick sexin’. But then she hit him in the head and tried to murder him (old habits and all that), so he fought her off and handcuffed her to the sink.

Overall it was a sexy time! (Quick Q, is Charlize T. mad about this episode, be honest.)

Even after several hours with the ghost of a serial killer, Detective John Lowe was still not convinced that she was real or that ghosts were real, or any of that. Sure, he’d experienced nonstop phantasmagoria since he’d moved into the hotel, but he was still holding onto his hard-bitten skepticism with both hands. Even Liz Taylor was resorting to full-time eye-rolling every time John Lowe opened his damn mouth. Get real, John Lowe! Ghosts are happening here!

So then Liz Taylor remembered that John Lowe had been invited to Mr. March’s private dinner affair. (Because Detective John Lowe himself is the real killer in his 10 Commandments case? Discuss!) So, suddenly he was handcuffed to the dinner table with Richard Ramirez, Aileen Wuornos, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Zodiac Killer (who, confusingly enough was NOT played by the actor who played him in Zodiac, yet that same actor played GACY here).

Even though this dinner scene took up roughly half the episode, it was mostly a collection of fun moments and speeches. I loved when Mr. March gave a tearful toast of appreciation about how these killers (all of whom he’d mentored when they were still alive) were American celebrities who had thrilled and enthralled the nation with their depravity. There was a sick logic at work here… He wasn’t wrong!

Then Richard Ramirez put on the Cowboy Junkies version of “Sweet Jane” (i.e. the DEFINITIVE version) and they danced like beautiful, sensual spirits.

Truly hypnotizing. Meanwhile Dahmer was gifted with a shirtless dude, and he went right to work on him:

That’s one way to turn someone into a zombie. Personally I prefer watching reruns of House Hunters.

Downstairs, Hypodermic Sally chatted up a charming businessman who was looking to get high as f*ck. Next thing we knew, she was leading him upstairs to be the “dessert” for all those murderers. (She muttered something about how if she brings Mr. March these victim dudes, he leaves her alone for another year. Ghost stuff.)

So yeah, they all just started stabbing him (except it made me laugh that the Zodiac Killer just kept pointing that gun). I can honestly say that this dinner party did not look very fun at all, so it was with a little relief when Detective John Lowe suddenly snapped in and out of consciousness and the room became empty. Had he imagined this particular monster mash?

And Hypodermic Sally was there to whisk him away! Except we know she has some kind of power over people’s brains, so I don’t even know what to tell you. Other than Detective John Lowe’s Scully routine is getting mighty tired. (But seriously, he’s the serial killer, right? Why else was he invited into that party?)

Then Lady Gaga put on her best red veil and received the visitor she knew was returning.

That’s right, Alex decided she wanted to be a vampire also! In exchange, she merely had to serve at Lady Gaga’s beck and call forever. Which, fine, at least Lady Gaga owns cool neon art. But I appreciated the emotion that Lady Gaga showed while “infecting” Alex. She seems secretly complicated and I like that. I’m also excited to see Alex getting in on the action more. In the future she and her son can rekindle their relationship by eating a dog TOGETHER. Truly heartwarming.

“Devil’s Night” was indeed fun, I just wish it had driven the story ahead further. Things were just heating up with Kathy Bates’ character and even Hypodermic Sally seemed underserved this week. But if you are telling me that an episode of TV featured Richard Ramirez and Aileen Wuornos gyrating to the only version of “Sweet Jane” that matters, then SIGN ME UP. Hard to be mad, truly. So long as AHS: Hotel can continue doling out these outrageous mash-ups while also regaining some forward momentum everything will be fine.

What did YOU think about “Devil’s Night”?

AHS: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.