‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: Bait and Switch

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Aug. 9 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

Previously, on Bachelor in Paradise: Chad went home, Evan began a torrid, one-sided affair with Carly, and Josh Murray swooped in and stole Amanda from Nick while everybody in America screamed at their TV.

Tonight, after a slightly modified opening sequence — now it looks like Josh is kicking the ball that hits Nick in the head, of course — things pick up right where they left off: with Josh’s tongue in Amanda’s mouth.

“It’s like we never went out,” notes Nick glumly.

On a happier note, Daniel is in full-on wooing mode with Sarah — and while he may be a big buffoon on the outside, I think deep down, in his maple-syrup-filled center, there’s a decent guy waiting to get out. And doesn’t Sarah deserve someone nice? “The more time I get to spend with Sarah, the more I’m really interested,” says Daniel. “You’ve gotta be unique and special to understand me, and Sarah does.” He’s pretty dead set on getting Sarah’s rose… but what’s this? A new guy has just arrived. It’s Christian! Remember him? The guy who gets up at the crack of dawn to work out and takes care of his two equally adorable younger brothers? Not ringing a bell? Maybe this will help:

Yep, Christian is the guy who tried to woo JoJo by drawing a bath and stripping down to a speedo last season on The Bachelorette. It’s too bad he didn’t make it further, but after that stunt… it’s understandable why he didn’t. Still, Christian is a gentleman, so before he asks any of the “ladies” out he assembles the guys to find out who’s already taken.

Yeah, those stories Andi tells about Josh being controlling and jealous don’t sound like they’re true at all. Anyhow, Christian zeroes in on Sarah, and she’s more than happy to be his first date in Paradise.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs Bachelor in Paradise Week 2

Oh, and in case you were wondering how things were going with Carly and Evan, allow this visual metaphor to get you up to speed.

After their barf-inducing kiss, Carly knows she needs to break things off with Evan, who does not in any way give her a “lady boner.” In a sad moment of BiP déjà-vu, Carly leads Evan down to the beach to break his heart. (Still mad at you, Kirk!)

Clear, to the point, diplomatic. Way to go, girl. Evan handles it with grace, admitting that hearing the truth “hurts,” before excusing himself to cry in his room. “I deserve love,” he says sadly. “But I have no idea if I’m going to find love here.” Awww, hang in there, penis guy. Actually, that’s a perfect segue to Christian and Sarah’s date.

Of course Team Bachelor made the woman with one arm go on a rappelling date. That said, I’m more annoyed by the situation than Sarah is, clearly. “Sarah has some physical challenges with a date like this, but she doesn’t let it bother her,” says Christian. “I mean, this is an amazing woman.”

Hey look — there’s a new arrival in Paradise!

His name's… Brandon? Who in the Sam Hill is Brandon? Even Harrison pretends to be clueless, asking, “How would I…?” Oh, Desiree’s season. Yeah, there’s no way I’m going to remember some 19th runner-up from a season back in 2013. At least Brandon knows he’s forgettable. “If you were to remember me, it’s because I didn’t have any pants on in that Soulja Boy music video,” he explains.

Wow, Team Bachelor — what happened? Was this guy not available?

The Bippers are equally confused when Brandon wanders onto set. “We’re like, ‘Is that someone from the crew that we haven’t seen yet?’” says Carly. But she warms up once she discovers that Brandon was on The Bachelorette for the same season as her brother, Zak-with-a-k. They have a nice get-to-know-you chat… and then Brandon asks Haley on the date instead. Ugh, poor Carly.

On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum, Emily is half a beer in and feeling no pain. “I don’t know why I don’t drink more!” she announces, slurring, before letting loose with a rafter-shaking belch.

Always drink responsibly, rose lovers. Poor Daniel’s going to need a drink after listening to Christian regale the group with tales of his romantic date with Sarah.

“This eagle knows what he wants,” says Daniel, undaunted. “This eagle’s going in for the kill tonight.” His plan? Paying a “local” to set up champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries in a secluded cabana, where he takes Sarah for a makeshift one-on-one. “If they’re not giving me a date, I’ve got to make my own, right?” he asks, before attempting to peg a parrot with the champagne cork. “Damn, Daniel, I don’t know what it is about you,” giggles Sarah. “I don’t know why I laugh so hard when I’m with you. You crack me up.”

But she wants to know, can goofy Daniel be serious? And bless his off-kilter heart, yes he can. “When someone appreciates me for who I am, it makes me appreciate and respect them as well,” he says. “Because often, it doesn’t happen — I find a lot of times, people don’t respect me… because they don’t get to know me. But you respecting me and saying these nice things, it makes me feel great about myself, and also about you.” And she LOVES it.

“I had a great date with Christian,” Sarah tells him. “But… several times I was like, ‘This would be so much more fun with Daniel.’” Holy crap, you guys, these two are cute.

When it’s time for Brandon’s date with Haley, she seems vaguely excited about getting to know him — but far more interested in pranking him. That’s right: It’s the old identical twin “switcheroo”! “If he is like really focused on getting to know me, he’ll probably see the differences once we switch,” notes Haley. “So we’ll see if he catches us.”

Brandon makes the dire mistake of telling Haley how he can absolutely tell the difference between her and her twin sister — “I’m way more interested in you right off the bat” — and she’s all, challenge accepted.

Naturally, Brandon has absolutely no clue that the twin who returns from the ladies room is not, in fact, the one he started out with. Emily, realizing what level of doofus she’s dealing with, says she wants to take things “really slow” so Brandon won’t try to plant one on her. “I haven’t had this kind of chemistry in a very long time,” marvels Brandon. Haley, of course, is “disappointed… I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Back at the beach, the “sexy six” (Izzy and Vinny, Lace and Grant, Amanda and Josh) are all sprawled out on the pillow platform making out while Evan watches from afar. “There are no rules in Paradise,” he says. “I’m going to write a date card for Amanda… and see if there’s a chance that potentially she would be open to [heavy sigh] something with me.” Even sadder? The note Evan writes himself.

“I’m actually going for it!” cries Evan gleefully. “Dammit, why the hell not?” Well, I’d say Josh’s fists repeatedly pummeling Evan’s face would be one good reason — but who am I to crush this guy’s dreams? Unfortunately…

Yeah, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how Evan’s humiliation plays out. So, rose lovers, let me know what you thought about this week’s visit to Paradise. Will Carly ever find “love”? Should Sarah pick Daniel or Christian? And on a scale of 1 to 10, how painful was it to hear Evan mangle Robert Frost? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here. Until next week!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.