‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: Ashley, a Random Girl From Canada, and a 'Russian Hooker' Walk Onto a Beach...

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Aug. 30 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

Welcome back yet again, rose lovers! As always, let’s say hello to our opening credits newbies.

Sure. And don’t forget Jami.

On to the action. Caila and Jared are still on the couch, talking about her (alleged) impeding departure. “What if I just go with you?” Jared mumbles, adding that he would want to talk to Ashley first. “That’s fine,” says Caila, in a clipped tone that clearly says That is not fine. “You want to talk to other people” before you go, she tells Jared. “And I don’t need to talk to anybody else.” So Caila scuttles off to pack her bags, leaving Jared to confront Ashley — who, by the way, feels pretty good about how this all went down. “I hope one day he’ll realize… that I did this to protect him,” she explains. “Because I love him.”

She keeps using that word. I do not think it means what she thinks it means.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Week 5

Jared’s conversation is choppy and confusing. “She left?” gasps Ashley, mock surprised. “I told her, ‘Do not stay be…’ [pause for Jared’s shocked reaction] No, Jared, I didn’t tell her to leave!” Ashley goes on to inform Jared that Caila said “she doesn’t like you,” which is either an outright lie or Team Bachelor left some very key parts of Ashley and Caila’s conversation on the cutting room floor. Either way, Jared doesn’t take it well, especially when Ashley insists for the 14^th time that she’s not acting out of jealousy. Finally – finally! – he gets mad. “This isn’t about you – it’s about me!” he yells. Good on ya, Jared, but you had to know what was going to happen next.

“I don’t think you did it to destroy me,” he sighs wearily, before giving Ashley a very reluctant, very long goodbye hug. “He’s unconditionally loyal,” she sobs. And as we watch Jared hoof it up the stairs to catch Caila before her Reject Minivan leaves forever, Ashley admits she “regrets”… coming to Paradise. What? You thought she was going to say she regrets her behavior? Of course not.

Welp, fare thee well, you two! Back on the beach, the Bippers are reveling in the aftermath of the latest emotional explosion. And according to Evan, it was far more explosive than what we saw; he claims it was a “total s***show” and that Jared told Ashley he would never speak to her again. The good news is, Ashley knows she’s “going to look like a f***ing lunatic” when this airs. Baby steps.

That night, a storm is dumping rain Playa Escondida when Wells and Jami finally roll back in from their date, all giggly and hand-holdy. Man, Ashley’s day is definitely not going well. “I owe Ashley a conversation,” says Wells. “I really don’t like to upset people.” Which is why Wells hems and haws and ums and stutters when Ashley asks him if he’s still going to play the Paradise field.

Ultimately he tells Ashely that he’s unsure of what he’s going to do, and praises Ashley for her “rational and normal” response to that news. “You continue to rewrite my perception of you.” Jami, meanwhile, is 89 percent sure that she is going to win the Wells War. Oh gurl, it is on.

And yes, Wells knows he’s in deep trouble. “If you had told me going into this, ‘Two girls are going to be all over you,’ I’d have been like, ‘Yes! This is awesome!’ But now that it’s happening, I’m like, ‘I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m scared.‘”

You should be, sir, because now Ashley has shifted her obsessive focus from “Jared is my soulmate” to “the guy who helped me get over Jared is my soulmate.”

“There’s not enough guys for all the girls here,” reports Ashley. “Stop sending these girls in!” You know what that means: Welcome one of the Laurens from Ben’s season… the one I will always remember fondly good-naturedly joking about waking up to find cameras (and the Bachelor) in her room.

Of course, Lauren looks a whole lot more presentable when she arrives in Paradise — Brett goes so far to say she looks “scrumptious.” The “ladies,” knowing a threat when they see one, pull Lauren aside and try to steer her towards Brett, because none of them really like Izzy that much, I guess? But before she can even choose which unwanted guy to pick, another fresh vixen arrives, date card in hand.

It’s Shushanna, the “Russian girl” from Ben’s season. And you know because she’s Russian, she’s not afraid to start a Cold War by choosing some guy who’s already taken. So naturally, she goes straight for Wells — and naturally, he’s too terrified to say no. When it rains, it pours, Mister DJ! Brett accepts Lauren’s invite, too, which makes Izzy feel “sick.” Payback’s a bitch, toots!

Lauren, Shushanna, Wells and Brett take their double date to the beach for a surf lesson. (Cue the fake Dick Dale riffs!) Brett makes a terrible “today I brought my beeetches to the beaches” joke, which is why I don’t feel back about taking this very unflattering framegrab of him trying to surf.

“Look at his ass stick out!” cries Wells, delighted. Yes, please feast your eyes — but you won’t be able to look at Shushanna’s ass; even though her bikini bottom doesn’t look all that small, Team Bachelor has decided to cover it with our old friend, the Black Bar.

She may not be great at surfing, but you know the old saying:

After the surf lesson, Brett and Lauren sit on the beach and chat. Is it me, or does she sound drunk? Then again, maybe that’s just her Michigan drawl and millennial upspeak. Drunk or not, Lauren lets Brett know she’s attracted to him and can tell he’s a “great person” (um, how? from his surfing?), and pretty soon they’re making out.

Shushanna and Wells are also getting along famously, though she has to work really hard to get a kiss from Wells… primarily because he’s too scared. “She’s like this sexy Bond villain,” he says. “I’m not sure if she’s gonna cast some spell on you or murder or rip your clothes off.” Eventually it happens, of course.

Meanwhile, back at Playa Escondida, Nick is doling out some of his patented tough-love life advice to Ashley. “Have you put thought into maybe not getting a rose this week?” he asks. “Maybe do that.” After all, Wells has gone on three dates and will have to “go with his gut” come rose ceremony time.

Hey, at least the Black Box is an equal opportunity censor. And now, let us never speak of Evan’s boner again.

If you were wondering how things were going with Josh and Amanda… no, I’m not either, but let’s try to get through this, okay? We find Josh luxuriating on a lounge with Amanda, lecturing Lace and Grant about how there are just some people on this earth who aren’t going to like you. “You can’t let it affect you,” says the guy who got into a shouting match a few nights ago with someone who doesn’t like him. For her part, Amanda is still feeling “confused” about the whole thing… which is why it’s so sweet of Team Bachelor to give Josh and Amanda a date card, so he can take her off-campus and far away from any friends who might try to talk some sense into her.

“I’ve had bad relationships before,” says Amanda, adding that she doesn’t want to be “blind” to Josh’s faults. “I don’t want to look back at this and be like, I should have listened to everybody.” Yeah, unlikely.

At dinner, Josh goes into his intense-stare, full-court press mode.

Rather than taking the twins’ advice and asking Josh specific questions about allegations in Andi’s book — surely enough people there have read enough blog posts about the book that they could give Amanda a rough idea of what it says? — Amanda simply regurgitates the delusional garbage she’s been spouting all season. “I know what we have,” she says. “I trust you, and I’m so happy.”

Oh, for f***s sake. Go with God, Amanda. You (and your daughters) will need Him.

Welp, with that terrible life decision behind us, let’s turn our attention back to Wells and his decision. Ashley, will you do the honors? He has to choose “between me, a random girl from Canada, [and] a Russian hooker.” Choose the hooker, Wells! Choose the hooker! Especially since she’s not possessive. “He’s a good kisser,” Shushanna (aka “Shu”) tells Ashley. “You should kiss him.”

Challenge accepted!

“I’m not looking forward to this rose ceremony at all,” sighs Wells. Then you are the only one, sir!

And with that, we’re done for the week, rose lovers. Get lots of rest and stay hydrated, because next week is the explosive two-night finale filled with multiple meaningless proposals and lots of tears. Even Shushanna cries! Who will “buckle under the pressure,” and who will pretend they’re going to live happily ever after? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go count the minutes until the new Bachelor announcement.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.