'The Bachelorette' Finale Recap: It's Aboooot Time

Warning: This recap contains spoilers from the season finale of The Bachelorette. 

The journey of 1,000 hours of television begins with a single step, and if you can believe it, rose lovers, after 10 long weeks we’re almost at our destination, The Proposal Platform! And we know how Shawn’s kept his energy up this whole time: by taking a boatload of vitamins.

Kaitlyn’s road to romance ends in Malibu, where she reunites with her family and gives them the lowdown: Nick and Shawn, mortal enemies, off-camera sex, etc. While the Bachelorette wants her family to strike all memories of Nick from Andi’s season from the record, Mom isn’t about to agree. “But I do have an opinion about that, about how Nick was on that season,” she declares firmly. (Girl, you aren’t the only one.)

Nick arrives bearing wine and flowers — “Here you go,” he says clumsily, thrusting the gifts at Kaitlyn’s mom — and she responds with the only question worth asking: “Why are you here, Nick?” He regurgitates the same story we’ve been hearing all season (they were texting, he had to meet her before it was too late, etc.), and adds that while he joined The Bachelorette the first time for “the experience,” this time it was AAK — all about Kaitlyn. We’ll let mama be the judge of that, mmmk?

Nick counters with an assertion that he and Kaitlyn are good together because he gets her to “open up” and be “vulnerable,” etc. “I’m in love with your daughter,” he adds, choking up. “If she will have me, I want her for the rest of my life.” Mom either loves it or wants to choke the life out of her own body.

Nick’s well-timed tears do the trick, and Mom decides that he’s a “sweetheart,” and that she was “totally wrong” about him. Oh dear. OK, Dad — it’s up to you to bring the common sense.

Way to phone it in, Team Bachelorette! Couldn’t you at least try to create the illusion of a narrative with Kaitlyn’s Dad? Whatever, let’s move on to Shawn’s visit. Can he prove to Mama Leslie and co. that he’s not a jealous meathead? Well, he’s certainly off to a good start with Kaitlyn’s sister Haley, who is touched that he brought a gift for her two children. And then he tells an adorable little story about watching Kaitlyn get booted off The Bachelor and snapping a photo of her sad face on his phone. “I put a heart around it and was like, ‘Don’t worry, I’m comin’ for ya.’” And Haley LOVES it.

Yep, she’s “Team Shawn” all the way. Leslie likes what she sees, too (“Wow, there’s a MAN,” she says of Shawn), but she wants to make sure her daughter isn’t going to wind up married to a green-eyed monster. “I’m concerned about jealousy,” she tells Shawn, and then asks him, in so many words, to describe how it felt to learn that her daughter did the deed with Nick. Not good, he admits. Still, Shawn feels confident that once he gets a ring on Kaitlyn’s finger there won’t be any “trust issues,” and that the whole brouhaha over Nick just made his relationship with Kaitlyn even stronger. And if that wasn’t enough to win Mom over, Shawn brings the whole “your daughter is property” thing into the 21st century by asking both Leslie and Mike for their blessing. Looks like Team Shawn just gained two new players.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Season Finale

And with that we’re on to the Last Chance Dates. Kaitlyn and Nick relax on a catamaran and make out. Later they meet up at Nick’s hotel room and reminisce about his “surprise” appearance at the comedy club in New York.

Insert evil laugh here

Then they make out. “I got you something,” Nick announces. “It’s in my bedroom.” The Bachelorette is understandably skeptical (Dude, if you wanna get naked just say so!) but it turns out Nick wasn’t being coy; he presents Kaitlyn with a framed photo of the two of them, with a schmaltzy poem next to it. (“…When I look at you, I see my future…” etc.) Kaitlyn gushes tearfully over the keepsake, and then they make out.

After a sleepless night, the Bachelorette prepares to meet Shawn for her final date before the Proposal Platform. “I know that I am in love with Nick,” she laments. “But at the same time, I love the way Shawn makes me feel.” Hopefully this date at Saddlerock Ranch will provide the “clarity” she needs. Unfortunately the day gets off to an awkward start, with a tongue-tied Kaitlyn struggling to make conversation — “So… what’s going on with you?” she mutters weakly — and shifting uncomfortably in her seat. Shawn wants to know what’s going on in her head, but it’s not that hard to figure out:

Shawn, bless his heart, does his best to power through the awkwardness. And that night he’s rewarded for his perseverance with a big hint from Kaitlyn about where her head’s at: “I think about you watching [the show] back, and, like, it’s going to be tough…” (The “since we’ll be engaged” is silent, but there nonetheless.) And for once, Shawn proves he can have a sense of humor about Kaitlyn’s other guys: “I’m just gonna be able to call you and be like, 'Hey, I love you. I can’t wait to see you. I can’t believe you were making out with Joe.’”

When it comes time to bestow upon Kaitlyn the Obligatory Parting Gift, well, Shawn’s choice is in hilariously sharp contrast to Nick’s: While the latter took the time to painstakingly craft a handwritten poem and paired it with a fancy silver frame, Shawn literally just gathered up a bunch of random mementos from his time with Kaitlyn and threw them in a jar.

Perfection.

Knock knock knock! There’s a very tan “jeweler to the stars” at the door! Shawn goes with a square-cut behemoth of a diamond, and is so confident about his place in Kaitlyn’s heart that he even deigns to say “the other guy’s” name: “After tonight, we’re not gonna remember who Nick is.” The Other Guy, meanwhile, believes there’s “a very good” chance he’ll end the day engaged to Kaitlyn… though he’s still having some flashbacks to the last time he thought Neil Lane was going to pay him a visit, and he got dumped instead.

Of course, it really is Neil this time around, and Nick is so relieved he starts giddily recounting his whole sad story to the jeweler, who clearly just wants to get to the part where the camera zooms in on his massive diamond “creations.”

The big moment has arrived, and… do my eyes deceive me or are we back at Casa Bachelorette??? I can’t remember the last time the “journey” ended where it began. (Does anyone remember? Let me know.) The Bachelor Interns have worked hard to gussy up the mansion’s backyard, adding a shrub-lined walkway by the pool and a few dozen extra candles.

The first limo is arriving, which means we’ve now reached the point in the evening where we bounce anxiously on the edge of our couch while muttering Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick (or, for those of you who want the other Other Guy to get the boot, Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn)… Survey says:

And thus begins the painful process of the soon-to-be-dumped dude — in this case, Nick — launching into his prepared proposal (“I look at you and I’m thinking about how in love I am…”) and inevitably breaking down in tears (“I’m not ready to let you go”). Oh God, can someone get Nick’s mom Mary a preemptive tissue, because something brutal is about to go down.

“I’m sorry,” whispers Kaitlyn after a very painful silence. “The only explanation that I have is that my heart is just with somebody else.” Don’t worry, Nick. Aidan knows how you feel.

When he does finally speak, Nick is firm and, at first, still civil. “I don’t think there’s anything you can say that would make me less confused,” he says. “If you were in love with me we’d be having a different conversation.” Though she should really let him slink away and nurse his wounded ego in the Reject Limo, Kaitlyn keeps trying to reassure Nick that all of her feelings for him were “real” and that their “off-camera time” really did mean something to her. It is, no doubt, exactly what he does not want to hear right now, and finally Nick snaps. “It wasn’t that real!” he barks at Kaitlyn, who weeps helplessly. “You don’t love me.”

You are correct, sir. Once inside the Reject Limo, an angry Nick wordlessly tosses the ring box containing Kaitlyn’s would-be engagement ring away from him — and then takes off his claddagh ring and hurls that for good measure. Cheer up, buddy — there’ll be a new Bachelorette for you to stalk next year. And wouldn’t you know it, Nick and I finally agree on something:

Welp, it’s all over but the proposing, so let’s get to it! Kaitlyn greets Shawn with a big smooch and a smile, so he knows he’s in for some smooth matrimonial sailing. “You went from being this girl on TV who my sister thought I could be a good match with, to being the most incredible woman I’ve ever met in my entire life,” Shawn tells the Bachelorette, who beams back at him lovingly. Of course, she’s still going to make him sweat a little.

When she does finally spit out the “I love you,” Shawn’s little man-heart nearly bursts with joy — especially since Kaitlyn keeps reiterating that he is her one and only. As in, there is no more Other Guy. As in, Nick loses, you win. As in, is it time for After the Final Rose yet? Sorry, got ahead of myself — there’s still one more order of business.

And she LOVES it. Kaitlyn pins the final rose on Shawn’s lapel and then cackles with joy.

Now we’re LIIIIIIIIVE from the Tealight Candle Thunderdome! Harrison welcomes the happy couple, who demonstrates their love in a very Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley kind of way. Because we all loved the story so much the first time, Shawn reminds us of that time he took a photo of his future wife on the TV screen. (And to be fair, it is pretty cute.)

But really, all we want to see is Nick take his seat in the spotlight to give the loser’s postmortem yet again. Harrison grills him for more specifics about Nick’s preexisting relationship with Kaitlyn (short answer: texts, some phone calls), in an effort to make it clear to the viewers at home that Nick and Kaitlyn’s “off-camera time” was not some dirty hookup. When it’s finally time for Nick and Shawn to come face-to-face since that penultimate rose ceremony, the two of them grit their teeth and do their best to be polite, and frankly it’s a little disorienting. Where is the weasely Nick we’ve come to know and hate?

Shawn, meanwhile, wants everyone to know that he’s not a muscle-bound green-eyed monster.

Though Nick and Shawn both allude to the producers blowing their feud out of proportion because it made for good TV, Harrison masterfully brushes past all that and declares that they two have reached a tentative “reconciliation” and all is right with the world. Then it’s time for Shawn to scurry backstage so Kaitlyn can face Nick alone. (With a studio full of people.) Since the world already knows he and Kaitlyn had sex, there’s no way for Nick to shame Kaitlyn the way he did with Andi the last time he was on After the Final Rose — so he simply goes with Why did you say you loved me? 

Just kidding. Once again, the Bachelorette does her best to be diplomatic — “No love that I had was as strong as the love that I had with Shawn,” she tells Nick — though truly, there is no explaining matters of the heart, amirite? Still, Nick is angry and hurt and ready to lash out — albeit with impressive restraint — at Kaitlyn for almost letting him get down on one knee before rejecting him. “Do you really think my taking out a ring, and going through the speech — the whole speech — was really the best way?” he asks Kaitlyn, his voice full of reproach. Well duh, of course not — but dude, take it up with Team Bachelorette. Also, if you don’t want to be dumped on national television, don’t put yourself in a position where you could be dumped on national television. Twice.

So what’s next for Kaitlyn and Shawn? Maybe a Starbucks (or Tim Horton’s) run, and possibly a beatdown for anyone who tries to say a disparaging word about Kaitlyn. "The best thing that could happen tomorrow when I wake up is that I could stand up for my girl and defend her now,” announces Shawn. “This girl is the strongest woman I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Take that, haters!

And with that, rose lovers, we’re done. So are you happy with Kaitlyn’s decision? How long do you think she and Shawn will last? Is it too late for Nick to show up on Bachelor in Paradise? And speaking of which, will you be watching that tropical monstrosity when it premieres on Sunday? (I’ll see you there.) Post your thoughts in the comments, and be sure to check out part 1 of Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog. (He’ll have more to say about After the Final Rose tomorrow.)

Thanks for coming on this “journey” with me, rose lovers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have myself surgically removed from my couch. (Man, three hours is a long time!)