'Empire' Recap: That's So Cookie

If you were a certain age when the '90s happened, then you experienced the greatest era of pop culture in human history. If you were not a certain age during the '90s, then trust me, that period was just as dumb and weird as all of the rest of the decades. But this week's episode of Empire was for the '90s kids, plain and simple. All you '80s kids can go sit on an Atari and you '00s kids can go doff your po' boy hats to a Matrix Reloaded DVD because in "Out, Damned Spot" one of the biggest and most influential celebrities of days gone by showed up for a surprise cameo! Yes, we're talking, of course, about former MTV VJ Sway. What's he been up to? Or more realistically, which dark wizard exhumed Sway's remains (from under Kennedy's condo) and resurrected him to continue his life's work of yelling interview questions at singers? The question is rhetorical because we all know who was behind this act: John Sencio. (Please feel free to Yahoo Search all these names.)

One of the magical pleasures of Empire has been its truly wonderful casting. Obviously the main roles are perfectly cast, but it's the guest stars that really put this show over the top. Joining the show's illustrious ranks — which has so far included Gladys Knight, Naomi Campbell, and Cuba Gooding, Jr. — are no less than Courtney Love and, get this, RAVEN-SYMONé! This is a lady who had all but disappeared after her Disney Channel sitcom — can't remember the name — went off the air. But boy did she choose the perfect vehicle to make her comeback. Didn't you see Twitter explode last night upon her arrival? Holy moly. I don't know who I'm happier for, Empire or Raven-Symoné. Either way, we truly live in a golden era, I think that should be clear by now.

Oh, right. This episode: We should talk about it!

Last week's episode concluded with an accidental contract killing, so obviously this week's episode began by answering the audience's most pressing question: WHAT was Cookie going to WEAR? This meant we were treated to a montage of Cookie trying on a series of outfits, each more amazing than the next. (I liked this outfit below, mostly because it matched her bedroom décor so well.) But ultimately she settled on a full-length fur coat that she declined to remove at the dinner table.

Because, WHOOPS! Cookie had assumed she was going out for a romantic evening with Lucious (due to the anniversary rose he'd left for her), but was chagrined to discover it was a family dinner to announce Lucious and Anika's engagement. (And yet again it was mentioned that their ring was like the one Richard Burton had once given to Liz Taylor; this fact should now be appended to all future editions of Liz Taylor's biographies.) Needless to say, Cookie was not impressed.

We could tell she wasn't impressed by the way she sipped her champagne, the way she tore apart roses and threw them at Lucious, and also when she whipped open her fur coat to reveal the outfit she'd worn just for him.

But I guess she was feeling helpful, so she decided to educate the room on what "a real ass looks like." For the record, it looks like this:

Just FYI!

Meanwhile, Michael was starting to notice that Jamal was getting kinda too intense about his career, so Cookie gave Michael some excellent advice: "You have to BE a top to get TO the top." If you want to know what that means in gay sexual terms, may I suggest using Yahoo Search?

This guy that works for Lucious was finally onto him. Mostly about the murder thing. (Lucious shot someone in the face once.) But Lucious was tired of keeping secrets, so he finally told the truth and this guy got so butt-hurt that he decided to choke out Andre.

I don't know, it's kind of hard to care about Andre getting choked out when Cookie exists somewhere else, you know?

Are you loving the brokedown apartment that Jamal and Michael share? It is huge and has hardwood floors and a dishwasher! Also Jamal clearly spent that wad of cash Cookie threw at him on some new IKEA cabinets. But despite living in an rundown apartment nicer than yours or mine, tensions were beginning to flare between these two. Basically Jamal was spending a lot of his time trying to become a successful musician and that was a problem for Michael who would prefer to go to Fire Island and pout. Ugh, relationships.

Elsewhere, the label wanted to drop one of its older female stars, and Cookie took it personal. Next thing we knew she was vowing to resuscitate the career of some kind of glamorous hobo!

Courtney Love, IRL goddess, finally finally appeared in this episode! She plays a character called Elle Dallas, whom I believe is supposed to be a combination of Amy Winehouse and Courtney Love mixed with a dash of Madonna-under-fluorescent-lighting. In other words she is perfect and, no joke, this is her best acting work since People vs. Larry Flynt. But at least in this scene, she was NOT interested in having Cookie for a manager. So clearly Elle Dallas had issues.

Those issues could mostly be boiled down to "heroin" but that just meant it was Cookie's time to shine. Step 1: Locate the singer at her run-down motel; Step 2: Kick out stray junkies; Step 3: Flush that horse; Step 4: Cuddle.

Just imagine being at your lowest point in life and then Cookie walking in and fixing everything. Empire could just be THAT and it'd still be a ratings behemoth. Watch out, Iyanla Vanzant.

Then Hakeem looked at pictures of his girlfriend's girlfriend on TMZ and huffed drugs. Guess that three-way deal of theirs isn't panning out?

Cookie got the Leviticus club to play Jamal's new track, then she convinced a football player to tweet about it. Do you want to know how? She got two girls to "touch on each other" in front of him, which Porscha did not care for.

Still though, it worked, and Jamal's track was trending! (Ugh, it will not be fun to re-watch this show in ten years. "Grandpa, what did 'trending' mean?")

So then Lucious's business dude went on Craigslist and hired some guy to confess to Bucky's murder in exchange for cash. Someone CC: Viola Davis because this is how to get away with murder. I'm sure it will work out perfectly.

Later, Michael whined about Jamal canceling their Fire Island trip so that he could promote his song on a national radio show. At this point Michael is shaping up to be the most awful onscreen boyfriend since the one in Devil Wears Prada. Do people in real life actually get mad at their significant other for being ambitious? Is that a thing?

Lucious didn't think Hakeem was shouting enough on his new track. That is the kind of thing only a seasoned producer has an ear for.

In a truly dastardly move, Anika cornered Porscha in the elevator and offered to pay her "twice" what Cookie had been paying her. WHAT was Boo Boo Kitty UP to? Don't trust her, Porscha.

Speaking of don't trust her, some doctor told Lucious he had a special, illegal ALS treatment from Russia and he barely had to finish the sentence before Lucious was like "PUT IT IN ME." That will probably also go really well. If anything can be trusted in this world it's illegal Russian medicine.

Meanwhile, Elle Dallas's recording sessions were not going great, as evidenced by the extreme side-eye her backup singers were giving her.

Fortunately, we were then treated to how COOKIE produces a track. In case you were wondering it involves an extreme makeunder.

And wouldn't you know? Suddenly Elle Dallas sounded emotional and raw and real. Cookie was right once again.

So then the long-awaited Sway appearance happened. Jamal had just finished performing his new track, some Justin Timberlake b-side (maybe?) and Sway immediately got down to what mattered most: Did Jamal have a girlfriend? That's just good music journalism right there. But to answer your question, no, Jamal did not have a girlfriend. In fact he pretty much just claimed he was single. Guess who did not love that answer?

I haven't seen a laptop slammed shut that quickly since the time someone emailed me the video of "All About That Bass."

At some point Lucious found out a cop had been snooping through his trash, so he hired this hunk to beef up security both at home and at the office. Cookie did not have a problem with this.

She did, on the other hand, have a problem with Hakeem's new woman-bashing single. I love whenever Cookie disapproves of something. Like, she will put up with a lot as long as it's a smart business move, but in this case she still had this tinge of maybe wanting to raise her kids right. Cookie is the best. Unfortunately, Hakeem is pretty much the worst, so he did not take her advice to grow up. Win some, lose some.

Finally, this happened:

That's right: Raven-Symoné showed up with a little girl and revealed that the little girl was JAMAL's. Meaning they had once engaged in sexual congress and she had subsequently become sick with child. I'm sure future episodes will get into the exact logistics of this scenario, but the important thing was this: Lucious was no longer the only bastard Jamal had to deal with. (Also: Hey welcome to Empire, Raven-Symoné!)

What is there to say about "Out, Damned Spot" except that this show continues to be a treasure box full of wealth and surprises? Stunt casting aside, the storytelling remains clear and brisk and equal parts grounded and ridiculous. And is it just me or is the music getting better? Even the Courtney Love-sung song sounded like it might become pretty killer. Anyway, yeah: Empire's winning streak seems never-ending at this point. Truly a thrill to behold.

What was YOUR favorite moment in the episode?

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.